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I don’t want this to be a secret anymore.

July 16, 2013

I deleted all my old posts. I hope no one was attached to those.
I want to start over.

Some days are content and some are sad, but I don’t want to think about what’s already happened.
I want to start over.

I don’t want to keep this a secret anymore. I have a secret board on Pinterest. I’m going to show it to you, but first, I need you to understand something.

I’m convinced that God doesn’t care about what we want for our lives. And that goes a lot deeper than the Rolling Stones song. He knows that what we want doesn’t matter. God laughs at all my plans.

We’re not going to try  to have a baby anymore. When people ask when we’re going to have another one, I’m going to stop saying, “We’re trying.” Because we can’t try. All we can do is pray and pray and cry and pray and hope and wish and pray.

Because I’ve already tried. And I don’t want to be here anymore. I wish things were different. If I had it my way, I’d be 7 months pregnant by now and I’d be a nesting monogramming hormonal fool.
But I’m not 7 months pregnant right now. I’m not even 4 months pregnant.

The pain that you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming. Romans 8:18

Let’s read that again:
The pain that you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming.
The pain that you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming.
The pain that you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming.

I can’t stop reading this and I won’t stop.
Have you ever hated God before? Because I have, just for a moment. (Ok, a couple moments.)
The first time wasn’t so bad. Ectopic pregnancy. Ok God. Thanks for that. Let’s try again.
Then a possible miscarriage. Not cool, God. But thankfully both of those resolved themselves. Let’s try again.

Then I had an ultrasound one day. And there was a beautiful peanut baby. And it was in the right place. But beautiful peanut baby didn’t have a heartbeat and I had to have a D&C.
I’ve never been so mad at God in my life.

The pain that you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming.

Ok. Let’s try again.

Getting pregnant was never my problem. We’ve proven that a number of times. Why is it so hard now?
Maybe God is protecting me from something.
Maybe God is protecting a bunch of unborn babies from something.
Maybe it’s just not the right time.
It’s not in the stars, or whatever.
Maybe God just wants me to want it more.

So this secret Pinterest board isn’t really a secret. Every girl on Pinterest has a board like this whether they’re pregnant or not.
I have a secret Pinterest board called “Baby Brimm 2!”

The biggest secret, though, is that I pin a lot of dresses and ruffled bed sets and pink things and DIY hair bows.
I wanted a girl.
Not anymore.

I just want a baby.
And I don’t care if it’s a girl or a boy or a frog. I don’t even care if it grows up to be an MSU fan or work at the DMV.
I just want a baby.
And I want it to set up camp in the right place. I want its heart to beat. I want to pull out my notebook of baby names that I was so excited about 6 months ago. I want to pin things to my secret Pinterest board without feeling overwhelming sadness and hopelessness and emptiness.

I don’t care if I get sick. I’ll be so thankful for the migraines and the morning sickness. I’ll put on the 87 libbies if that’s what it takes. I don’t care.

The pain that you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming.

And it’s coming.
What I want more than anything is to be the person God wants me to be. Even more than I want to be the best person I could think of in my grandest fantasies. Because the person God has in mind is so much better.
If that means I only get to be a mom to one kid, I’ll try my best to be ok with that. I might get mad at God again, but I think He’s used to it. He forgives me. He loves me and all of my babies.

Come look at my secret Pinterest board. Worship God even though we don’t understand that dude.
Don’t try. Just trust.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. Sara permalink
    July 16, 2013 10:41 am

    You are a beautiful young woman and an inspiration to everyone around you! So thankful to have you in my life! Love you!

  2. Hunter permalink
    July 16, 2013 1:54 pm

    You provided a message today that I needed to hear. Thank you. I am sorry for your losses, but as you said, “God laughs at our plans.”

    I’ll be praying for you. Hope all is well.

  3. Lynn Johnson permalink
    July 16, 2013 8:29 pm

    Mandi –
    Thanks for sharing. I love that I get the opportunity to pray for you in a more specific way. I pray for all the great friends I made at PP’s! I thought of this verse to share as well: Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. God just wants us to want Him most – above all else- then promises “…to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think.” Ephesians 3:20.

  4. Caren Watts permalink
    July 16, 2013 10:47 pm

    Mandi-
    My heart just aches right now. You are so brave and so honest and such a spirited, lovely person. Words cannot fully express how sorry I am for your losses. I’m not very good at praying, but that doesn’t mean I don’t try on occasion. Usually, I get sidetracked or fall asleep before the Amen. Tonight, though, you’re on the top of the list, the name that won’t be forgotten or lost somewhere between reverence and Neverland. And, you’ll be there as long as needed. You’ll be in my thoughts. If you need support, you’ve got it. If you need coffee, I’ll bring it.

    There’s a Latin proverb, very similar to Romans 8:18, that as provided me with strength when I’ve needed it: “Perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim….Be patient and strong; someday this pain will be useful to you.”

  5. Candis permalink
    July 16, 2013 11:47 pm

    Mandi, I totally understand every word you wrote. Vera is 4 now and I’ve been off birth control every year since 09. I finally got pregnant last December and miscarried the 6th week. Heartbroken and confused, we waited a couple of months and then “tried” again. I became pregnant again and made it to almost 8 weeks….far enough to see and hear my little peanut’s heartbeat. However, I lost that baby in May. Heartbroken doesn’t do the emotion justice. I was angry, hurt, numb…..became even more angry…..and not knowing how to talk with God about it. My mindset was, if you (God) were going to take my baby (you’re all knowing, so it’s not like you didn’t see this coming) why did you even bring him/her into the world? Why put us through that? Why give me hope just to take it away? Feeling borderline blasphemous at times, I questioned him. I still feel the pain when I think of how far along I’d be right now had I not lost the baby……and apparently EVERYONE on facebook is pregnant these days. Checking my fb page just gave me a daily dose of giving the ole knife a quarter turn.
    I believe with all my heart that God only wants the best for me. I believe that God loves me unconditionally, and I believe the scriptures. Sometimes I have to remind myself of those truths to keep from becoming bitter. Our ways are not his. I can’t make sense of it and I’ve quit trying. I’m just going to be the best mom I can be to Vera. I always wanted a house full of kids and I don’t want to stop “trying” but if I get pregnant and miscarry again I may have to; it is just such a painful experience. Maybe I just get one child, so I’m going to do the best I can to honor and appreciate the blessing God has already given me, as I’m sure you do with Luke. I really liked the scripture you posted. It’ll be a good one for me to repeat. I just wanted to let you know that any time you are needing a friend to talk to, I’m here. I haven’t told many people about my miscarriages, because it just hurt too much, but my heart went out to you as I read your struggles, and I want you to know that I’m here.

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