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What not to ask this pregnant lady.

August 30, 2013

This is the first doctor’s appointment we’ve had with nothing but good news.

Our little nugget is strong enough that its growth is pushing the hemorrhage out of the way. We got to watch her (or him.. hopefully her though..) move on the ultrasound. What a relief!

Andy gave me a high five and said, “We’re still pregnant!” It feels so good to finally be proud to share the news we’ve received.

I’m having a real hard time getting excited though.
Sometimes I feel like I’m getting my hopes up. I haven’t looked on the kids board on Pinterest for a couple months now. I’m scared to find something really cute to add to my shopping list or a really fun DIY to add to my plans. If I add this to my list, who knows if we’ll ever see it?
My boss asked me during my yearly evaluation, “So what are your plans after maternity leave?” Esqueeze me? I can’t emotionally afford to answer that. I can’t even think about it. Ask me again in 7 months.
I’m trying to be hopeful but it’s hard.

People ask, “Are you excited?”
The honest answer is a big fat NO, but you can’t tell people that.
You fake it and smile and say, “Of course!” when you really mean, “Of course not this baby may not make it you twit haven’t you read my blog?!”
Or you can take my approach and just put some food in your mouth and say, “Mmhm!”

How do you get someone to understand the hole you have inside? where all of those pins get lost and hopeful words fall right through?
You don’t. You just fake smile and shove some food in your mouth. (Eating for two, hello?)

I’m not excited. I’m scared. And a little angry.
I’ve been pregnant 7 out of the 9 months since Christmas. All of you ladies who have had babies before, imagine being in the first trimester for half a year. The belly that makes people wonder is she pregnant or just fat? The lack of energy. The migraines. Oh my God, the nausea.

Kill me now.
But I’m supposed to be excited, right?

I still worry every day that something is going wrong in there, because the odds aren’t really in my favor anymore. (Happy Hunger Games! I see a trend.) But being able to give my friends and family a one-part good-news update with no “catch” or “but” was the best thing that could have happened right now.

One more week of Progesterone. Another ultrasound in 2 weeks.
I can do this.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 31, 2013 1:26 am

    Sweet girl you are in my prayers, I love you.


  2. Tyler Sellers permalink
    September 6, 2013 10:21 am

    Hey Mandi, I had a dream last night that I bumped into you and we just talked and caught up for a while. I was going to say hi on Facebook and found this post. I know that nothing I can say will make these things easier to bear but I want to let you know that you and yours are in my thoughts and prayers.

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