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I have

September 14, 2013

I have everything.

I have a beautiful 2 oz. 13 week old baby in my belly. Perfectly healthy (as far as we can tell.) No pictures this time, but I have another ultrasound next week, so maybe I’ll have some by then. S/he is the size of a peach. We got to watch her mouth move and her arms wave and feet kick. I can’t feel her yet – all I can feel is the nausea and dizziness and fatigue … which is close enough. I’ll take it.

I have the greatest little boy on the face of the earth. He’s starting to understand that Momma has a baby in her belly (mostly because it’s steadily growing larger, thus more believable.) We asked him if he wants a little brother or a little sister and he said he wants a sister. (Yes!) We asked what the baby’s name should be and he said, “I don’t know. Probably like my mom.”

This was taken over 2 years ago, but I think it's my favorite picture of my little man.

This was taken over 2 years ago, but I think it’s my favorite picture of my little man.

I have the best husband any lady could ever ask for. And I didn’t ask. Who would know what to ask for? I didn’t know someone could love me so much or want so badly to support my weird artistic tenancies. He’s a weirdo too, but he’s my weirdo. He makes me laugh and I’d be a different (less awesome) person without him.

IMG_0588

I have an unreasonable desire to be perfect, but I’m working on it. I don’t like starting things I don’t think I can finish. I don’t like getting myself into a situation I don’t know forwards and backwards. I’d sometimes rather be the wallflower than take a chance on something new.

I have a job that I love, that constantly humbles me and challenges me. It’s not easy, but I go home every night knowing I did something useful and someone appreciates me and I made the world a tiny bit of a better place.

Pitters

I have 188 days until I bring another person into this world (God willing.) Then I’m going back to school, finishing my degree, and start making a bigger difference in the world. I want to do something special for the sake of my family and to help those who can’t help themselves. I’m not quite sure what that is yet, but I’m going to find out and I’m going to do it.

I feel like I have everything, but the coolest part is that I also realize that some of the best days of my life are still ahead of me. I’m going to fall in love with another little person in March, and hopefully at least one or two more after that. That’s a big deal! I don’t know if I’ll ever publish a book or sell art or make the “big time,” but that doesn’t matter as long as these cool people living in my house will come with me.

:)

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What not to ask this pregnant lady.

August 30, 2013

This is the first doctor’s appointment we’ve had with nothing but good news.

Our little nugget is strong enough that its growth is pushing the hemorrhage out of the way. We got to watch her (or him.. hopefully her though..) move on the ultrasound. What a relief!

Andy gave me a high five and said, “We’re still pregnant!” It feels so good to finally be proud to share the news we’ve received.

I’m having a real hard time getting excited though.
Sometimes I feel like I’m getting my hopes up. I haven’t looked on the kids board on Pinterest for a couple months now. I’m scared to find something really cute to add to my shopping list or a really fun DIY to add to my plans. If I add this to my list, who knows if we’ll ever see it?
My boss asked me during my yearly evaluation, “So what are your plans after maternity leave?” Esqueeze me? I can’t emotionally afford to answer that. I can’t even think about it. Ask me again in 7 months.
I’m trying to be hopeful but it’s hard.

People ask, “Are you excited?”
The honest answer is a big fat NO, but you can’t tell people that.
You fake it and smile and say, “Of course!” when you really mean, “Of course not this baby may not make it you twit haven’t you read my blog?!”
Or you can take my approach and just put some food in your mouth and say, “Mmhm!”

How do you get someone to understand the hole you have inside? where all of those pins get lost and hopeful words fall right through?
You don’t. You just fake smile and shove some food in your mouth. (Eating for two, hello?)

I’m not excited. I’m scared. And a little angry.
I’ve been pregnant 7 out of the 9 months since Christmas. All of you ladies who have had babies before, imagine being in the first trimester for half a year. The belly that makes people wonder is she pregnant or just fat? The lack of energy. The migraines. Oh my God, the nausea.

Kill me now.
But I’m supposed to be excited, right?

I still worry every day that something is going wrong in there, because the odds aren’t really in my favor anymore. (Happy Hunger Games! I see a trend.) But being able to give my friends and family a one-part good-news update with no “catch” or “but” was the best thing that could have happened right now.

One more week of Progesterone. Another ultrasound in 2 weeks.
I can do this.
:)

As of late, how I feel about my lunch everyday.

August 19, 2013

You can’t do this on your own.

August 17, 2013

I’m fairly certain Romans is my favorite book in the Bible.

It all started in high school when I was asked to pick my favorite verse for senior’s night at church. I didn’t know the Bible very well, so I scrambled to find something that defined me as a young person and the direction I was heading.

I picked Isaiah 52:7 – Beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!
That was easy.

I was one of those high school students who watched the news and felt comforted that nothing bad would ever happen to me. School shootings. Robberies. Planes crashing into the world trade center. That could have very well been my house, but it wasn’t. It couldn’t have been. Bad things never happen to people like me.

But when I grew up and life got hard and bad things started to happen, I found Isaiah 52:7 again and I held on to it.

I was introduced to a deep study in Romans when a preacher at Campus Crusade started talking about the themes that show up in it:
God’s plan is perfect.
You can’t do this on your own.

And guess what’s in it?
How will they preach unless they are sent? Just as it is written, “Beautiful are the feet of those who bring news of good things!” – Romans 10:15

How perfect.
That’s why my house never caught on fire. I was supposed to live until tomorrow so I could do something good. And if bad things happen – guess what? – I don’t have to deal with it by myself.
Pretty sweet, right?

So this year, I didn’t just read Romans. I smashed my face in it.
I’ll admit, I don’t go to church on Sundays much anymore. For a while, I felt like I had a scarlet letter on all of my pretty dresses.
And I did. But that doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter because I am a sinner. God loves me anyway. I took the most beautiful thing he created and shattered it with a baseball bat, but He loves me anyway. I’ve hated him before, but He still loved me.
I am a princess in His kingdom.
There will always be a place at His table for me.
All because I chose to love Him back.

The pain that you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming.

I’m happy to announce that I have a healthy little gummy bear.
9 weeks along. Due on March 21st, 2014.
ImageI wish that was all the news I had. That’s only the good news.
The bad news is that I have a healthy hemorrhage too.

But, in case you’ve forgotten, I’ve lost at least 3 babies this year, and I didn’t have to suffer through that alone. I feel like I finally have a right to brag about what’s going on in my body – so I will.

But if I’ve learned anything from Romans it’s that I can’t do this alone either. Even though it was really easy the first time, God was working inside me. That wasn’t an accident, and this won’t be either.

The week in which I have to work overtime.

August 6, 2013

Work. WORK. What are you doin? Staahp.

The “right time.”

August 3, 2013

Every time I’ve gotten pregnant, Andy and I made a pact to keep it a secret until it was the “right time.”

I went to the doctor in April of 2009 thinking there was something wrong with my cycle, and maybe that I had a UTI. I’d never been to the dreaded “lady doctor” before, so it was high time anyway. I wore a baggy dress with an elastic waistband over jeans to hide how much weight I’d gained. (How would they have known? Whatever.)

I had purposely ignored the previous 2 months of nagging thoughts that maybe I was pregnant. No – horrible things like that don’t happen to people like me. Andy and I were only dating at the time, and not for very long. We loved each other though, and I trusted him more than any other boy I’d ever known. Letting the thought of a baby into my brain would have also invited the thought of Andy leaving me, so I never thought about either of those things.

Ignore the scary uterus face. Focus on the miracle baby.

Ignore the scary uterus face. Focus on the miracle baby.

The nurse told me, “You are pregnant.” Like she knew I was ignoring it. Like she wanted me to question all of my relationships – my boyfriend, my church, my parents? Crap – how was I going to tell my parents?

Then she asked me if I was going to cry and handed me a tissue. I told her, “Yeah, but not right now.” I still had stuff to do. But I don’t think I ever cried. I was too stunned. Numb.

I left the doctor’s office and texted my mom. So lame. I don’t even remember what I said, but I was so sorry and ashamed and scared. I didn’t even tell Andy until later that night. I didn’t want to. I texted him too (OH my generation! So stupid!)
“I’m pregnant. Is that ok?”

Is that ok?
Of course it’s ok.

I wish I would have known back then what a blessing I had.
Andy didn’t leave. He did the opposite. Not only did he stay, he bought my maternity clothes. He moved in with me and took care of me. He put up with a lot of things I wish he didn’t have to see.
He told me he wanted to marry me.

We found out we were going to have a baby 14 weeks into my pregnancy. I totally missed the first trimester. I never had morning sickness. My feet and ankles were never swollen. I did yoga like nobody’s business.
My pregnancy was perfect.

Happy birthday, Luke!

Happy birthday, Luke!

Since I was so small, my doctor recommended induction if Luke wasn’t born on or soon after my due date. On the day I went in to be induced, I was already having contractions. I didn’t feel it. I was in labor for 4 and a half hours and gave birth without drugs or an epidural.
Luke’s birth was perfect.

Luke was 8lbs and healthy.
He was perfect.

1 year and 16 days later, Andy asked me to be his wife. He waited until he could buy a nice ring and got down on one knee.
It was perfect.

2 years after that, we got married. What’s the rush, right? There were a lot of mosquitoes and the lady who was supposed to make my cake  didn’t make my cake.
But that was perfect too.

In hindsight, even though some of those things were super scary, super stressful, super SUPER, everything happened at the right time.
It’s hard for me to realize that the things that are happening this year are the happening at the right time too.

A few weeks ago, I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive.
My doctor wanted to check my bloodwork first before having me come in for my first OB visit. At 6 weeks, my beta level was 36,000 – “quite pregnant!” she said.
Two days later, it was supposed to double, but it didn’t. But it didn’t decrease either, so this is ok news.

This whole time I’ve been feeling a mixture of excitement and hopelessness.
I had an allergic reaction (maybe poison ivy,) and I couldn’t have oral steroids because I’m pregnant. My first thought (and I really hate this) was, but this baby’s going to die anyway.

Stupid stupid thoughts.

If this baby survives, it’s because it was the right time for us to have another baby. If not, it was the right time for… something else. I haven’t quite figured that one out yet.

Everything happens for a reason. God wants what’s best for us. We may not see it at the time, but even the horrible things that happen to us happened just at the right time.
If they didn’t, I wouldn’t have Luke. Or Andy. And they’re the most awesome guys ever.

My ultrasound is scheduled for Aug. 14th. I’ll have more to say after that. Hopefully good things. :)

I don’t want this to be a secret anymore.

July 16, 2013

I deleted all my old posts. I hope no one was attached to those.
I want to start over.

Some days are content and some are sad, but I don’t want to think about what’s already happened.
I want to start over.

I don’t want to keep this a secret anymore. I have a secret board on Pinterest. I’m going to show it to you, but first, I need you to understand something.

I’m convinced that God doesn’t care about what we want for our lives. And that goes a lot deeper than the Rolling Stones song. He knows that what we want doesn’t matter. God laughs at all my plans.

We’re not going to try  to have a baby anymore. When people ask when we’re going to have another one, I’m going to stop saying, “We’re trying.” Because we can’t try. All we can do is pray and pray and cry and pray and hope and wish and pray.

Because I’ve already tried. And I don’t want to be here anymore. I wish things were different. If I had it my way, I’d be 7 months pregnant by now and I’d be a nesting monogramming hormonal fool.
But I’m not 7 months pregnant right now. I’m not even 4 months pregnant.

The pain that you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming. Romans 8:18

Let’s read that again:
The pain that you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming.
The pain that you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming.
The pain that you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming.

I can’t stop reading this and I won’t stop.
Have you ever hated God before? Because I have, just for a moment. (Ok, a couple moments.)
The first time wasn’t so bad. Ectopic pregnancy. Ok God. Thanks for that. Let’s try again.
Then a possible miscarriage. Not cool, God. But thankfully both of those resolved themselves. Let’s try again.

Then I had an ultrasound one day. And there was a beautiful peanut baby. And it was in the right place. But beautiful peanut baby didn’t have a heartbeat and I had to have a D&C.
I’ve never been so mad at God in my life.

The pain that you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming.

Ok. Let’s try again.

Getting pregnant was never my problem. We’ve proven that a number of times. Why is it so hard now?
Maybe God is protecting me from something.
Maybe God is protecting a bunch of unborn babies from something.
Maybe it’s just not the right time.
It’s not in the stars, or whatever.
Maybe God just wants me to want it more.

So this secret Pinterest board isn’t really a secret. Every girl on Pinterest has a board like this whether they’re pregnant or not.
I have a secret Pinterest board called “Baby Brimm 2!”

The biggest secret, though, is that I pin a lot of dresses and ruffled bed sets and pink things and DIY hair bows.
I wanted a girl.
Not anymore.

I just want a baby.
And I don’t care if it’s a girl or a boy or a frog. I don’t even care if it grows up to be an MSU fan or work at the DMV.
I just want a baby.
And I want it to set up camp in the right place. I want its heart to beat. I want to pull out my notebook of baby names that I was so excited about 6 months ago. I want to pin things to my secret Pinterest board without feeling overwhelming sadness and hopelessness and emptiness.

I don’t care if I get sick. I’ll be so thankful for the migraines and the morning sickness. I’ll put on the 87 libbies if that’s what it takes. I don’t care.

The pain that you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming.

And it’s coming.
What I want more than anything is to be the person God wants me to be. Even more than I want to be the best person I could think of in my grandest fantasies. Because the person God has in mind is so much better.
If that means I only get to be a mom to one kid, I’ll try my best to be ok with that. I might get mad at God again, but I think He’s used to it. He forgives me. He loves me and all of my babies.

Come look at my secret Pinterest board. Worship God even though we don’t understand that dude.
Don’t try. Just trust.